i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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