I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
