Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
