Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
