Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
