i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
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