Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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