you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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