somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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