Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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