just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
