I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
