did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
