I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize