Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
