Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Randomize
