I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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