It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
