Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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