I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
