hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
