sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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