If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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