If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
