There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
