im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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