I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
