well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
