Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
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