I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
