i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
