If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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