Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i just had sex bonerless
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
