forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize
