How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
