I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
