i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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