sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
