Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
the condom got lost in my hair
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
