i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
