Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
