He disabled his match.com account in front of me
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
