i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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