I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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