I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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