I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
