Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
