we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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