You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize