Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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