someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Randomize
