it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
