my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
that's an acceptable place to lick
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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