I feel like I'm in dance class right now
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Randomize
